No more babies.
December 4, 2009 
Today marked a big milestone in mine and Chris’s life together. Today Chris got the big V, the snip-snip, fixed, etc.
We made the decision a few months ago to have it done. When the appointment was made it really hit me that this is real, we’re really doing this. As the day drew closer, I had some “is this the right thing” thoughts, but nothing major. No anxiety over it, I felt at peace with the decision. Then I had a pregnancy “scare” in fact, I took a pregnancy test right after Chris’s procedure was done. You see, we haven’t been exactly careful in the time that we made the decision to today. So when I realized I was late, and not just a little late, a week late, I started thinking “oh shit”. I didn’t tell anyone that I thought I might be pregnant, I didn’t want to mention it until I knew one way or another for sure. So after Chris got done, I ran into Albertsons to buy him some frozen peas, then I went and bought a pregnancy test. I took the test in the Olive Garden bathroom. That was probably the longest three minutes of my life. But in the past week when I was anxiously waiting and watching for signs that I was or wasn’t pregnant I realized that we totally made the right decision. It’s hard for me to talk about this because I know there are so many people, some of them very close to me, that would do anything to have a baby. So, when I say this, I hope I don’t offend anyone. But I have never not wanted to be pregnant more in my life. I just kept thinking about all the hard stuff that comes along with pregnancy and a baby. Before when I would have ’scares’ I would think that I hope I’m not but its ok if I am. Even before I was married it wasn’t a huge deal to me one way or another. But this time, I really, really didn’t want to be pregnant. When I was talking to Chris about it he said he thinks that we only think of the hard stuff now because we’re done having babies, but when you’re at the point that you want a baby you know there will be hard things, but it is worth it because you want that baby so bad. I thought for sure I was going to be walking out and telling Chris that he just went through this for no reason, but instead I was able to tell him I’m 100% sure we made the right decision.
What’s weird though is it is kind of sad to think we can’t have anymore, not that we don’t want more, but that we can’t. There is just such a finality to it and to think we cannot make anymore babies together is kind of sad. I know it’s reversible, but you know what I mean. But it is great to see my three wonderful children and Chris sitting on couch reading stories together and say to myself “This is my family, it is complete and I love it”
Chris, Brooklyn, Landen, and Chloe are my family and I am so blessed to have them.
Five years ago…
November 26, 2009 
God blessed me with an amazing little boy. Five years ago today, Landen Christopher was born. This is the story of how he came into the world.
The positive pregnancy test I got when I found out I was pregnant with Landen didn’t hold the same elation that Brooklyn’s did. This isn’t because I wasn’t happy to be pregnant, or that this pregnancy wasn’t planned. It was because just three short months earlier I had a miscarriage. So while I was incredibly happy to be pregnant again, I was also very scared that the same thing would happen again. I got an ultrasound as soon as I could and the relief I felt when I saw that little heart beating away was huge. I felt like I could breathe, and enjoy this pregnancy. My pregnancy with Landen was very easy. I was sick for most of the first trimester, but it was mild. I’d throw up once in the morning and that would be it. This is the pregnancy that I learned to eat what didn’t taste too bad coming back up. Gross, I know, but hey it is a lot better to vomit rice krispies than eggs and bacon. My doctor and I talked a lot about whether I was going to attempt a VBAC (for those of you not knowledgable in labor terms, that means a vaginal birth after c-section) or just go ahead and have a repeat, planned c-section. For most of the pregnancy I leaned toward VBAC. I didn’t want to have to go through the recovery of another c-section. Because while I may be lucky that I didn’t feel the pain of contractions or of labor with Brooklyn, my recovery was very, very hard. I couldn’t stand up straight, or lay down flat for over a week. I had just had major surgery and I had to take care of a baby. C-sections are not the easy way out. Anyway, towards the end of my pregnancy I talked with my doctor again and we went over the statistics, and started leaning toward repeat c-section. Then I talked to a friend that had attempted a VBAC and her uterus did rupture and she almost died, and her baby girl did die. That set my decision, I was going for a repeat c-section.
We had decided to find out what we were having this time around. When the ultrasound tech said “it’s a boy” (and there was no doubt!) I smacked Chris’s arm and said “I told you!”. Pretty much from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew he was a boy. I was really nervous about having a boy. I had always imagined myself as a girls mom. I’m not an outdoorsy girl, I don’t like to get dirty, I don’t like boy stuff. I was also really, really scared that I wasn’t going to be able to love another baby as much as I loved Brooklyn. At this time, Brooklyn was basically my whole world. My life revolved around her and I couldn’t imagine ever loving another person as much I loved her. Everyone told me I would love another the same, but I seriously had my doubts.
Landen’s due date was December 13, but we joked a lot about me “ruining” Thanksgiving by going early again. But the week of Thanksgiving I felt great, no signs of anything happening. So the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving Chris went to bed with Brooklyn around 9, I was on the phone with my mom and I felt like I peed my pants a little. I told her this and she asked if my water had broken, I said no that when it did with Brooklyn it was a big gush. So we’re talking and I feel like I pee again, and I’m thinking wth is going on? Then I had the gush. So I went in and woke Chris up and we loaded Brooklyn up (she was such a trooper!) and we all headed to Billings again. No stop at Burger King this time since it was well past dinner time. My dad took Brooklyn to the waiting room and they curled up on the couches and slept while I got prepped for my c-section. Basically the same thing that happened with Brooklyn happened with Landen. When I got to the hospital I was dilated to 1, I had no contractions, they checked me right before they took me back to o.r., and I was till at a 1. Apparently my body just doesn’t know how to go into labor. Landen came into the world at 2:55 am weighing 7 lbs 2 oz and 20 1/2″ long, and a head full of dark brown hair. By this time the hospitals policy had changed and Landen stayed with me until I was closed up then we went to our room together. Chris was able to hold him by my head so I could see him, and I got to hold him before anyone (besides Chris) else.
My fears about not loving another baby were quickly put to rest. I fell in love with Landen immediately. And I love him more everyday. He is such a sweet, sweet boy. He is so caring and loving and considerate of others. He is a mama’s boy to the core, but he loves his daddy and doing ‘guy’ stuff. I never thought of myself as a boy’s mom, but I love having a son. He’s my guy. And he knows mama doesn’t really like dirty stuff, so he takes care of me and watches out for me when we’re doing stuff outside. I love him so much and cannot imagine my life without him in it. He’s a silly boy, always trying to make people laugh. And he can usually make people laugh without even trying. The things that come out of that boy’s mouth are hilarious! He’s an amazing little boy and will make some woman a very good husband someday. He likes to take care of the girls in his life. He loves his sisters and they have him wrapped around their little finger most of the time. All they have to do is turn on the tears and he will usually give into whatever they want. He shows his love for all of us everyday and those he loves, he loves completely.
So, happy birthday to my sweet boy, to my wonderfully amazing son, Landen.
Seven years ago…
November 23, 2009 
God blessed me with the most wonderful gift I could ever imagine. Seven years ago today, Brooklyn Grace Scheese was born, and changed my life forever. I thought as a “tribute” to her I would blog about her birth.
First I will say that we had been trying to get pregnant for about a year and a half when I found out I was pregnant with Brooklyn. The joy I felt when I saw that pink line is indescribable. It was pure elation. It was very early morning when I took the test and I ran into our bedroom where Chris was still sleeping and shouted “I’m pregnant!”. He was a happy as I was at this news. We had wanted this moment for so long it was hard to believe it was really happening. I took several other tests just to make sure. 
The pregnancy was mostly uneventful, which is good as far as pregnancies go. I had some contractions that put me on mild bedrest for a few weeks and I was really sick in the beginning, so sick that I had to go on medication because I couldn’t keep anything down. But still, as far as pregnancies can go, it was an easy one.
On November 22, at about 5:30 pm I was starting to make dinner. I had bent over to grab a pot out of the cupboard, stood up and felt a gush of water. I was only 37 weeks so it was pretty shocking! Chris was at a meeting, so I tried calling my mom but she wasn’t home either. I waited a few minutes and tried her again, this time she answered. She didn’t believe me when I told her my water broke. I mean, I had no contractions at all leading up to this. As I was telling my mom, Chris walked in the door. He went into panic mode! He was just like you hear about, rushing around trying to get things ready and freaking out. I was calmly talking on the phone to the hospital and they, of course, said to head up. So we got on the road with me, my mom, and Chris in our car; my dad in his car; my sister Tammy in her car; and my sister Bridgette in her car. I was still not having any contractions at all, just gushing water every time I moved. As we neared Billings Chris looked at me and said “You know, nobody was able to eat dinner, do you think we’d have time to go through the Burger King drive-thru?” I said “sure”. So our caravan lined up at Burger King and when Chris ordered he said “could you hurry with that order, my wife is in labor” so of course when the person came to the window to get Chris’s money and give him his food he looked to see if Chris was telling the truth. I smiled and said yeah, we’re on our way to the hospital. Anyway, we arrived at the hospital at about 8 and I was immediately taken into a room. I was so happy to see that my doctor was on call! It calmed me down a lot. So they checked me and I was dilated to 3, which we all thought was great considering I had no contractions. So they gave me awhile to see if I’d start contracting on my own, I didn’t, so they hooked me up to some pitocin. I started having some contractions, but nothing major. Around like 3 or 4 am, I had a few painful contractions, and knowing I was not going to even attempt this without pain killers, I asked for an epidural. So I got that right away, and they upped the pitocin a bit because I was still only dilated to 3 and not contracting regularly. At about 6 my doctor came in and checked me again, I was still at a 3, still not contracting regularly, and the baby’s heart rate was starting to drop with each contraction I did have. So she said that she thought it was time to consider a cesarean section. I was not prepared at all for that. We talked and decided that the most important thing was getting the baby out safely and healthy. So we headed back to the operating room. It was a weird feeling to have a c-section, I felt no pain, but lots of tugging and pushing on my stomach. Finally we heard her cry and it was the best sound I had ever heard. As they pulled her all the way out, I heard “it’s a girl!” That was the second best sound I’d ever heard! We hadn’t found out what we were having, but I wanted a girl so, so bad. She was very healthy, 6 lbs 5 oz and 19 1/2″ long. I only got a quick glimpse of her as they took her to my room. They closed me back up and took me to the room. I have to say that was one part that still bothers me to this day. My mom, dad, and sisters got hold Brooklyn before I did. I don’t know why it was their policy at the time to take the baby to the room before the mom, but they did. (it has since changed) As soon as I got to the room they put her in my arms and I fell in love. She was the most perfectly beautiful ‘thing’ I had ever laid my eyes on.
Brooklyn was the best thing that ever happened to me. She is the child that made me a mommy. She is everything I ever dreamed of. She isn’t perfect, but she’s about as close a person can get. Before I had her I had no idea I could love someone so much, so completely and totally unconditionally. I mean, I love my family and I love Chris, but the love for your child trumps all of that. I try my best everyday to be the mommy she deserves, and I fail often, but I know she loves me anyway.
So, happy birthday to my sweet girl, to my wonderfully amazing daughter, Brooklyn.
Just random thoughts
Where to start? I’ve had all kinds of stuff running through my mind lately on what to blog about. The thing is, none of them go together. So which one do I start with?
I’ll start with Chloe. Ok, this girl is going to bring me to my breaking point if nothing else does. She is a spit-fire to the max, she is stubborn and gives dirty looks like no one else. You never know what you are going to get with this girl. She can be sweet as honey one minute, and nasty as vinegar the next. And you never know what makes the mood change from one to the other. I mean, this girl gets mad and throws a fit if you praise her! She’ll be cleaning up toys and I’ll say “good job, Chloe” and she’ll get mad and scream at me. I’ve learned to just not say anything, or mostly learned anyway. Sometimes I forget and I’ll tell her she’ s doing a good job and then I get the scream and the dirty look and I remember. But when she’s being sweet and cute and loving, she is SO sweet and cute and loving. She has the silliest sense of humor and when she wants to make you laugh she knows just how to do it. She loves to cuddle and tickle and to be rocked. But the mantra in this house is “don’t upset Chloe!”.
The other day I was thinking all about the whole H1N1 vaccinations and how I decided not to get the kids vaccinated. I can’t say why exactly I chose not to, just that my mama intuition said not to. I’m not saying anyone that did get the vaccine is wrong or anything, I just felt in my gut that it wasn’t right for us. And I vaccinate, my kids are vaccinated for everything else. I’ve learned over the years to trust my instincts when it comes to the kids. Like the mole Brooklyn had removed over the summer. We took her to a dermatologist about 2 years ago and he said “oh it’s fine, she might want to have it removed for cosmetic reasons when she’s older, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it” well, it just didn’t sit right with me. I just never felt like the mole was ok. So I took her to a new dermatologist about the mole. She looked at it, asked me if it had grown or changed (which the other dr did also, and I told him the same thing) yes, it has grown and changed over the years. So she the new dermatologist said that it was abnormal enough to remove, she removed it, had it biopsied and we found out it had abnormal cells in it. Not cancer yet, but could have become cancerous. Now we know Brooklyn has to see a dermatologist once a year. Normally kids don’t have to go until they hit puberty and then not even every year. So this first doctor could have caused Brooklyn to end up having skin cancer. Anyway, my point in all of that was that I’ve learned to trust my gut, so even though people (especially my mom) was pushing me to get the vaccine, I didn’t. If my kids get it, yes I’ll feel bad and I’ll do everything I can to make them get better quickly, but I won’t blame myself for not getting the vaccine. That actually went totally off of what I was thinking the other day, haha. Ok, so I was thinking about the vaccine and I was telling myself that the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) was pushing the vaccine and that people shouldn’t base their decisions on just what the AAP says. Then I remembered that Chris and I made a big decision about 5 years ago on what the AAP said. We didn’t have Landen circumcised, it was a thoroughly researched decision, and one of the recommendations we researched was the AAP’s. Their “recommendation” is that it isn’t a necessary procedure, but people need to make their own decision. Basically covering their ass on both sides. But them saying it wasn’t medically necessary held a lot of weight with me. So here I am saying (to myself, haha) that the AAP is saying to get the vaccine just because the gov’t says to and that they are just pushing their opinion, but then I really valued their opinion on another matter. So it made me realize that sometimes I might have a decision already made then I find the research to agree with my decision. (I didn’t do that with the H1N1, I didn’t research it, I listened my instincts and decided against it.)But I think a lot of people do that. If someone is against vaccines in general, they are going to find the research to say that they are bad and that we shouldn’t give them to our kids. If someone is for vaccines they are going to find the research that says they are fine and that we should vaccinate our children. Same with the whole circumcision thing. I had pretty much made up my mind that I didn’t want to do it before I researched it, and the research I sought out was the research that said that it wasn’t a necessary procedure and that the USA is the only country that does it routinely. Now, if I would have come across what I felt was trusted research that said it really should be done, I would have gone through with it. But I didn’t, so Landen is the same today as he was the day he was born. I’m sure when he’s grown he’ll appreciate me sharing this fact. 
I have never, ever regretted the decision we made and can’t imagine having to put a baby through that. I’ve heard many arguments against our decision, and I have had to defend it many, many times to friends and family. But I do defend it with my entire being. For every argument you can give me for circumsision I have a counter one, so just try me. hehehe
Recently here in the small, small town I live in, someone did something that they for some reason thought they’d get away with and nobody would know who it was. Someone (everyone that lives here that knows about it knows who) turned in all the unlicensed daycare providers. Which I am one of . I think there was maybe one person that she turned in that might be affected by it, but last I heard that wasn’t even for sure. So this lady calls and turns all of us in, thinking we aren’t going to know it was her, and she didn’t even accomplish anything. She should have done some research on all of us and how many kids we had and what hours we had them before making that call. The thing is, if this lady would look at her contract she would know why she’s losing so many of her kids to all us unlicensed providers. The lady is crazy for thinking she can charge what she does in this town. Nobody else even comes close to her “rules of payment” so why would people keep their kids there? I just think it’s funny that she thought she’d be able to do it without everyone knowing it was her, and that it didn’t matter anyway, because we are all legal.
I really need to get on the ball about getting Brooklyn & Landen’s party planned. They are having a combined birthday party this year at the pool. I love to give the kids big parties with awesome cakes and lots of decorations. I need to get busy. Oh, here’s a problem though, how do go about not inviting some kids that your kid doesn’t want to invite, but you’re friends with the parent, so they’re going to know about the party? Do you just not invite them and try to explain it to the parent? Do you make your kid invite the unwanted kid(s)? Do you just not invite them and not say anything to the parent unless they ask? If you have an answer, I’m all ears! I think I did find the cakes I’m going to attempt to make though. 3-D Spongebob, Patrick, and Gary. We’ll see though, it will require me to order new cake pans, not sure I want to go through all that for one birthday party.
And because I know some of you love it: here is my random 5 minutes of thoughts. I did shorter this time because this blog is already so long. Here we go:
Baby Einstein is a life saver, but it is funny that the 5 year-old’s here like it just as much as the 2 year-old’s. Trying to decipher 3 different 2-year-olds is kind of funny. They each have their own things they can say good and things I cannot understand at all. Stupid colds. Now Landen has it too. Why can’t they be sicker during the day when I have to be awake anyway? Why do they have to get worse at night when I want to sleep? 2-year-old girl giggles are the best. Just the sound of them makes me laugh too. What should we have for lunch today? Hmm..corn dogs? chicken bites? ….ramen noodles? ………(break in thoughts)…..I need to email the lady that made Brooklyn’s hat and see how to fix it. The top started coming apart. I know how to crochet, but I’m not sure how to fix it because there isn’t enough yarn. I’m kinda hoping she’ll just say she’ll make me a new one for free. I really think we should just sell our pellet stove. It hasn’t been hooked back up after doing the floors, and I really don’t see it getting hooked back up. The new windows and insulation has made the house much more efficient in keeping the heat in, so I’m thinking we’ll just use electric heat from now on. If we sold it, I could move the tv to wear it is, then move the couch so it isn’t blocking my huge new window. I hate having the window blocked by the couch. Now just to convince Chris of this. Which I don’t think will be too hard, so anyone want to buy a pellet stove? ……….And times up.
The trip
Leaving was as hard as it always is. I try to hold back the tears because I don’t want to make the kids sad. Thankfully I was able to this time, I almost lost it when I said good-bye to Brooklyn because I knew she was sad. She’s old enough to realize how long 4 days is, the other two just knew we were leaving. They didn’t understand that we wouldn’t be back in a few hours like we usually are. Anyway, we got out of town with only a couple of tears shed by me after we were on the road. I am so thankful I have somewhere that I can take them and know that they are loved and well taken care of. It does make it a little easier to leave.
So our flights to Appleton (20 min outside of Green Bay but about $500 cheaper!) were uneventful. Every time I fly I realize how much I dislike it. I try to tell myself that more people die in car crashes than plane crashes, blah blah blah. It doesn’t work. With every take off, turbulence, and landing I’m praying as hard as I can that we not crash. Chris wore one of his Packer jersey’s & hat so there was a lot of trash talking on the flights and in the Minneapolis airport, all in good fun though. And actually we met way more Packer fans on the way than Viking ones. So we get to Appleton at about 9:30 Friday night, go to get our luggage and guess what…they lost it! We had a 3 hour layover in Minneapolis and they lost our luggage. They said it would be in with the next flight in the morning. So we stopped at Walmart and got the essentials and headed to the hotel.
After Chris went to the airport to get our luggage on Satureday we headed out for a day in Chicago. Thank God for GPS! We could so never be on the Amazing Race, lol! The drive down was nice, it took about 3 hours, but for us Montanans that isn’t much. I loved all the old barns and silo’s along the drive. I was itching to get out and start taking pictures! So we got to Chicago at lunch time so we headed straight to Gino’s East. We were told by everyone that has been to Chicago that we needed to eat pizza there. They were not wrong! It was amazingly good. I’m not usually a fan of the Chicago-style deep dish pizza, but wow, this was sooo good! And the atmosphere was fun. After eating we headed out to the Magnificent Mile to do some window shopping. We only went into a few stores, I had planned on buying a new purse, but I couldn’t find one I loved enough to spend that much money on. Speaking of spending money, we went into Burberry and as we were looking around I saw a black coat. I thought it was pretty so I looked at the price. $895!! Oh. my. gosh. I honestly cannot fathom how people justify spending that much money on a coat. There wasn’t anything special about it, except the name of course. I guess if you have the money to spend maybe you can think “why not” but I think I could find much better things to spend almost a grand on that a coat. Anyway, after I realized I wasn’t going to find a purse we headed to the American Girl store. Which honestly, was the store I was most excited to go into. When I was a little girl I wanted “Samantha” from American Girl, I never got her, but that desire for her is still so strong. It makes me sad for the little girl I was that wanted that doll more than anything. Anyway, Samantha has been retired, or I would have bought her so I could fulfill that little girl wish. I wanted to get Brooklyn and maybe Chloe a doll, but I just couldn’t. The reason is because Brooklyn doesn’t play with dolls, she wouldn’t understand the meaning of an American Girl doll. Chris said I should just buy one for myself because that is what I really wanted. I told him, no, I want Brooklyn to want one so I can get it for her. I thought about getting Chloe one because she does play with dolls. But the same thing, she is too young to understand how special those dolls are. I’m hoping she’ll keep liking playing with dolls and I can get her to want one when she’s a little older. Oh, and there was this lady there with her two little girls and they were buying the matching outfits, like tons of them, and I can totally understand spending the money on that, lol! Other people couldn’t so I guess it’s just what is important to the individual person. After that we decided to just head back to Appleton. We had planned on going to the Sears tower, but we just weren’t up for it. Only having a few hours to spend in Chicago definitely isn’t enough time. And omg, the parking! We spent $30 for parking for less than 3 hours. So we headed out and both of us were fine with it. We got back to Appleton kind of late so we just went to eat then headed back to the hotel.
Sunday was the big day!! Poor Chris didn’t sleep well at all. He was so excited and nervous! So he was up at 7 showering, which woke me up. We were ready by 8:30, so we headed on up to Green Bay. We got there at 9ish, and people were already starting to tailgate. It was such a fun atmosphere. We spent the morning (until about 1) walking around the parking lots and shopping in the Packer pro shop, and hanging out in the Lambeau Field atrium. We made signs, and got a lot of laughs and high 5’s for them! At 1 they opened the doors to the field, we went and found our seats, then Chris headed down to the bottom of the stands to take pictures and try to get autographs. He got some great pictures, but I have no idea how to post them on here, so you’ll have to find them on facebook, lol. He got an autograph from TJ Lang. He was down there for about 2 hours, I sat in the stands and watched him have his dream come true. He kept saying he was worried I wasn’t enjoying myself because I was just sitting there, but I was. I loved watching him be so completely happy. Before we first went into Lambeau I asked him how excited he was, he said as excited as he was when we would head to the hospital to have a new baby. Anyway, as the stands started filling and kickoff time got closer, Chris came back up to our seats. By this time there were a lot of other fans there, so of course, being Mr. Sociable he started making friends immediately. The excitement in the air was amazing. There were some Viking fans sitting just below us so there was some banter going back and forth, which added to the fun. Yes, when Favre came onto the field, we booed along with probably 99% of the Packer fans there. It was funny though, most people were clapping as they were booing. It was a perfect show of how most Packer fans feel. They still love Brett Favre, but they hate that he plays for “the enemy”. I don’t want to go into the whole “they should appreciate the years he gave them” discussion. Unless you are a true Packer fan, you probably won’t understand it. The cheers that started when the Packer team came on the field was overwhelming. The loudest cheers were for Donald Driver and Aaron Rogers, it was loud before they came on the field, but when they did it was deafening. I wasn’t a huge football fan going into the game, I was excited to go to watch Chris have his dream come true, but I wasn’t all that excited for sitting in the stands for 3+ hours. But I’m a changed woman. Being there made me love the game, and I will actually watch it with Chris on tv now, and I actually understand some of what is going on! The time flew by, I think we stood more than we sat and we were part of the “G-force”, making as much noise as possible while the Vikings tried to make their play. It was so exciting!! Poor Chris could barely talk after the game! Yes, the Packers lost the game, but being there was so much bigger than that.
Monday morning came very early with us having to get up at 4:30 am to get on the plane. Once again, I realized on the flights that I really dislike flying. I wore my new Packer hat and didn’t have anyone in Minnesota or on the flight give me shit about it. The only thing said was “good game”. We got back into Colstrip at about 3:30, and headed to pick up the kids. There is nothing like the hugs from you get from your kids after you’ve been gone for a few days.
Now we’re home and I’m looking forward to sitting down and watching the Packers beat the Buccaneers on Sunday.
Decisions
So we made the BIG decision regarding the size of our family. It was a very, very hard decision. There are so many thoughts that go into trying to decide how many kids you want. Or at least for us it was. I guess there are people who know they only want two kids, or know that they want to have as many as they can. But for us, it was an agonizing decision. I think it’s because we always said we’d have four. Well, the “always” that comes before having kids. We had a lot of those “always” and “nevers” then we had kids and got real.
Anyway, we both had different reasons for deciding that we’re done. Chris’s reasons are not my reasons. He thinks we do good with three and that he doesn’t want to split himself in one more direction. And that we are busy now, how is it going to be when they are all involved in sports and stuff? I think, yes we do good with three, and I think we’d do good with four. Yes we are busy now, but that’s just it, we’re already busy, who cares if it gets busier? My reasons are not Chris’s reasons. I don’t want to go through the baby stage again. Chloe is finally to an age that, while she is not easy (I don’t think she’ll ever be an easy child) she is more self-sufficient. I love babies, for a day or so when I can give them back. I just don’t want to go through the all nighters again, or diapers, or baby food, or packing around a diaper bag…etc. To Chris that is all short-term stuff and not that big of a deal. But that’s my reason for not “wanting” another. I hate saying not wanting, because if something did happen and I got pg, we’d both be like “oh shit” at first, but then we’d be happy and love the whole process again. We do have reasons that are the same though. Financial reasons for one. We know money isn’t everything, and that love is what really matters, but we do want to be able to go on vacations and give our kids “big” presents at Christmas. Plus all the other normal stuff, it adds up…quickly! Another reason is we like the dynamic that we have, Brooklyn has her special place in the family because she is the oldest, Landen is special because he’s the only boy, and Chloe gets the special spot of being the baby. While there are times I wish Landen had a brother, the truth is they’d be so far apart in age they wouldn’t be that into the same things anyway.
Since we made the decision, I have been totally at peace about it. I know that if God means for us to have another one, we’ll have one. It does happen, ya know! I don’t feel that I’m going against Him by choosing to stop. Also, in making the decision we kept the option of a reversal open. So even though I’m like 99.9% sure we are done, I know that if that .1% creeps into my heart that we can have another one. It feels good to not think about it anymore. I feel like I can just focus on being the best mommy to the three I have now, I don’t have to keep turning over the pro’s and con’s in my head.
So come December (earliest I could make the appt) if you see Chris walking funny, you’ll know why.
Doctor visits
So I planned on writing this like last Saturday, but time has just gotten away from me.
I went to two doctor appointments last Friday. The first was with my internal medicine doctor. Basically he said that since my blood pressure and heart rate had both gone down since I had gone off of birth control pills he figured that those were the problem. He said the only way to be sure is for me to go back on them and see if my bp and hr went back up. He suggested NOT trying that test though, lol. So I’m off all hormonal birth control, which many of you know opened up a whole other topic for Chris and I. He also checked my stomach because I had horrible stomach pain all last week. He figured it was probably a kidney stone since I have had one before. After he said that the pain I was feeling made more sense, I could remember the same type of pain with the last kidney stone. He said it was probably a small one since I wasn’t in as much pain as I was with the first one. He has referred me to a neurologist for my headaches. I probably won’t get in for another month or so, but he did give me a prescription for a migraine medication incase I get one between now and then. Now I just need to get to Forsyth to get it filled.
My next appointment was with the psychiatrist. I really, really like her. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail but she upped my dosage of Wellbutrin and prescribed a couple other medications. I haven’t started either of the new ones yet as we are adding things slowly. I meet with her again next Friday to see how the meds are doing and to, well, talk I guess.
Ok, now for a little vent about insurance companies. **warning explicit language**
While my mom and I were eating lunch Chris called and said he had just looked in our new medical information and that mental health appointments had to be pre approved. I told him that when I called the insurance place in July I was told psychologist appts had to be, but psychiatrist ones didn’t. So he called the insurance company and they said that any kind of “behavioral health” treatment had to be pre approved. Ok fine, whatever, annoying but still workable. Then he calls and tells me that my dr isn’t “in network” with our plan and if they aren’t in network that we have to pay $150 deductible each year (and the years almost over!) and they only cover 50% for up to 30 visits per year. If the doctor is in network there is no deductible and they pay 80% for up to 80 visits per year. That is just fucked up. So I get emotional and tell Chris that I can’t get into anyone else, that this is the only psychiatrist that is accepting new patients, and I was on a 2 1/2 month waiting list for her! So he calls the insurance company back and finally gets transferred to my case manager. She says “that can’t be right, let me call around” then she calls him back and says “ok, we put in a request that dr. x be in network for just Dani” so obviously I was telling the truth and there are no other dr’s accepting patients. We still haven’t heard if she has been put in network for me. I have no idea when we’ll find out, and frankly I don’t care. I need the help and I’m going to get it. But this just pisses me off. I mean no wonder there are so many people walking around with mental disorders and not getting help. I mean I have insurance and I still have to worry about the price of getting help. So people who don’t have insurance are basically just left to fend for themselves, unless they are either poor enough to get medicaid or so bad that they are committed or whatever. Ugh, I was livid when I got off the phone with Chris, not at him, at the fucking insurance companies for manipulating the system. I don’t think my poor mom has ever heard me talk the way I did, lol. She took it all in stride though. This whole “in network, out of network” stuff is just bullshit. Pay the effin’ doctor! That’s what our money goes for, right? All that money taken out of Chris’s checks is to pay the insurance company to help out, right? So help the fuck out! Stop picking and choosing who you are going to pay and how much you are going to pay them. If my insurance company says they’ll pay 80% of our medical bills after the deductible, they should pay that. Not make us pay another deductible and only 50%. I get totally worked up again thinking about it.
Anyway, my appointments were good. I feel like some progress was made both physically and emotionally.
On a lighter note
First I want to thank everyone for the comments and words of encouragement from my last blog. You have no idea how hard it was for me to leave that posted. But I got a lot of feedback from people, on here and on fb, thanking me for posting it because they have or are going through similar things. I do feel the need to “lighten things up” a bit though.
So. Hmmm…what to blog about?… I have been thinking about blogging about my paranoia when it comes to my kids. But that doesn’t really seem “light”. Worrying about kidnappings and cancer just doesn’t seem like easy conversation. So that one might have to wait. Maybe I’ll repeat my experiment from before. Type as I think. I did it for 10 minutes last time…should I up it to 15? I guess we’ll see where my mind goes and decide from there. Ok here we go, it’s 2:37pm….
Hmm…(remember that’s a pause in thinking)….I need to get the sheets out of the dryer and put them on the beds. But I HATE making Landen and Chloe’s beds. Bunk beds. It sucks to make that top bunk. Trying to get your arms in around the safety side thingy’s and tuck stuff in…you have to move the whole bed out to get behind it too. And I’m ocd about bed making. I like a nice military tuck in the sheets & blankets, and on the bunk beds the comforter goes in too. That’s why even though I love Chris’s help, I don’t like when he makes the beds by himself, he doesn’t get that military tuck done very good. Good thing he never joined the Army, huh?! So yeah, need to make the beds. ….I am making my family eat chicken and dumplings yet again for dinner. When Chris makes a batch it is enough to feed 50 people. Usually we end up throwing some of it away, but I’m trying to be better about throwing so many leftovers out, so we’re eating it again. ….soccer tonight. Blah. It is going to be cold out there. I don’t mind but I know I’m going to have to listen to Landen and Chloe whine about it. Which I really don’t blame them, I’ll be whining too, it’ll just be to Chris before and after the game. ……..maybe I should repaint Brooklyn’s room. I really like the way it is painted, so it wouldn’t be changing anything, just touching it up and making it look new again. ….text from Chris….no overtime again this weekend. This is like the 4th weekend in a row that he hasn’t worked. Which it is awesome to have him home so much, but with birthdays and Christmas coming up, not to mention the trip to Green Bay, we need that money. It’s a good thing I took in the extra kids. I guess it would help if I’d stop shopping online too. In the past few days I’ve bought a new snow suit for Landen (going to re-ebay his other coat b/c I don’t like it); a new coffee pot (because ours sucks); “waterhog” rug (because I’m freaked out about the new floors getting ruined w/ snow and rain); and the super cold weather carhartt artic blah blah blah bibs and coat for Chris. The funny thing is I’m excited about all of them, even though nothing is totally for me. Well, the rug is I guess. It isn’t all that pretty, but man if I don’t have to keep towels around to dry up feet prints I’ll be a happy woman. So yeah, I need to stop the online shopping again. I was doing sooo good for a while there. Then I “had” to buy Halloween costumes, and once I get started shopping on here it’s hard to stop. Chris has to take the stupid van in to Billings to get fixed tomorrow too. Yay that’ll be a few hundred dollars down the drain, stupid Toyota putting the thermostat in a stupid place. The kids keep telling me “stupid” is a bad word. I keep telling them its only bad if you’re saying it about a person. If you say a thing is stupid it’s ok. They call it the s-word. Funny they have no idea what the “real” s-word is. I’m pretty good about fake swearing around them. Sugar pops is a favorite. ….hmmm…was that light enough to make you forget about my last blog? …….it is supposed to be COLD this weekend. Like a high in the 20’s tomorrow and low’s in the teens. Lovely October weather….
Time’s up.
Depression
I’ve heard it has been said that it is easier to tell someone you have cancer than that you suffer from depression. I think the reason for this is because depression isn’t a tangible illness. It is something that someone feels, and in a lot of cases no one can see. There are the cases that you do “see” depression, but usually not until it is too late. The person that kills themself and everyone asks how they could do that, or the person that cuts themself and again, it is asked, how could they do that?
I suffer from depression and have for many years. I have gone through times of “light” depression, and I have gone through some periods of horrific depression. I have been on antidepressants for about 4 years now. Since then I’ve still had my up and my downs, and honestly there are a lot of times I wonder if my meds do anything at all. One of the things that is hardest for me to grasp is that I’m “depressed” even though I have nothing to be depressed about. I have an amazing husband, three healthy children, a warm home, I’m basically healthy, we have enough money to pay our bills and have some left over for extras, Chris has a stable job, I’m close with all of my family. So what do I have to complain about? What do I have to depressed about? I’ve been told over and over thats when you know it is a chemical problem and not a situation one.
My depression has rarely presented itself in what is the normal way. I’ve rarely had the sad, uncontrollable crying, don’t-want-to-get-out-of-bed depression. My depression is usually more of a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. Like I cannot possibly handle everything that I have to do. And it isn’t like a “I need to clean, cook, and take care of the kids” overwhelmed. It’s I am too overwhelmed to live kind of overwhelmed. I don’t know if I even know how to explain it. My depression is a feeling of total guilt. Guilt that I have depression and don’t have anything to be depressed about, guilt that I yell at the kids when I’m in a depressed state, guilt that Chris has to deal with me and my ‘craziness’, guilt that I feel guilty…on and on. My depression has rarely been one of suicidal thoughts. My depression is I should just leave. Not because I don’t love my family, but because I love them so much that they would just be better off without me. I have been to the point of “I’m just going to keep driving” when I’m out running errands. Because I get it in my head that Chris and the kids would be better and happier if they didn’t have me to deal with. When I’m not in the depressed state I can look at all of this logically and know that isn’t true. But there are many, many days that I think I should just leave and start a new life.
Right now I’m in a period of “light” depression. I have felt “ok” for a couple of months now. But about two months ago, I hit rock bottom. Like the absolute lowest I have ever, ever been. And because it is in the past now and I’m not living in the moment, I can talk about it easier. I was in that depression that I cried over everything, and I felt like I could not control my emotions at all. I mean, I cried because I couldn’t get a stupid picture hung up the way I wanted it. And I don’t mean a little teary-eyed, I mean a full out sob. I had a complete feeling of worthlessness. That was the first point since high school I considered suicide. Not seriously like planned out, but a feeling that I would be better off dead. Before when that thought had gone through my head, even briefly, I combated back with “I could never do that to my family”; this time the only thing that I could think of was “how would I do it?” I was/am to chicken to do anything physical, I would have to like take pills or something, so I would think “I don’t even have anything I could take to do the job”. I don’t know what it was about that week, and it was only about a week that I was that bad. I don’t know how people who are that bad go on for longer than that. I was at a point of physically hurting myself to make myself feel better. By doing something tangible to hurt myself it made me be able to focus on that rather than on something that I had no idea why I was feeling. I was cutting. Until now there are only three other people who know about this. But now that it’s in the past, I don’t feel so uncomfortable talking about it. I still feel ashamed, but since I can’t see you, I can say it. I guess it is easier for me to say things not face-to-face, because I can almost guarantee you that if I were talking to you now, I wouldn’t be telling you.
Thank God I was not so down that I couldn’t see my way out. I knew I needed help, I knew that if I kept going on the path I was on, something bad was going to happen. So I started calling psychiatrists in Billings. Not one was taking new patients. I felt defeated. I was seeking help, yet there was nothing I could do to get it. I finally went to Chris and told him what was going on. He knew that I was more depressed than usual, but not to the extent that it was. And amazingly enough, between talking to him, my sister, and my best friend I was able to come out of it. Or at least out of that deep depression. Since then I’ve been ok. I knew that at least Chris and my sister would be watching for signs that I cut again. So I couldn’t do it anymore. And there have been times I’ve thought about it, because it did make me feel better, even if it was only for a few minutes.
All of this happened a few weeks before a local woman killed herself. I remember talking to people about it and hearing “how could she do that to her kids?” and “how selfish” but until you’ve been there at that point of desperation, you don’t know. I understood how she could do it. It wasn’t because she was selfish, or because she didn’t love her family, it was because she did love them, it was because she thought they’d be better without her.
Anyway, this was all brought about by a call I got yesterday. It was from a psychiatrists office that I had called. I don’t even remember leaving my information for them, but I got a call asking if I still wanted an appointment. The crazy thing is, that it wasn’t even the office that I thought I’d be able to get into eventually. It was the office of the psych my ob/gyn recommended. And when I called, she was booked, not even thinking about new patients. But now she’s calling asking if I still want to get in? That leads me to believe that my awesome ob/gyn contacted her and told her about me. Well, that and God answering some prayers. Because even though I feel ok now, I never know when that bad time will come around again. And even though I’m ok, I’m not good. I’m not at the point I need to be at.
For the first time in a long time I feel like there is hope. That whether it is just from taking new medication or taking the same medication but combined with therapy I’m finally going to feel good emotionally.
What would happen?
So as I blog I often sit here and think of the right thing to say to get my point across, or what order to say things in, and how to best make myself not look like an idiot. So I wonder what would happen if I just blogged as I thought. The random things that pop into my head throughout my time blogging. So for the next say…10 minutes I’m going to just type what enters my mind. So if there is no rhyme or reason to this you’ll understand why…there is no order in my head either.
Ok, so first I started blogging about being cold and hating winter and wanting to move somewhere warm. But that blog wasn’t working out because I couldn’t get my point across without ….I really should get up and shut that screen door so it stops blowing in the wind. Oh, um my point across without whining about being cold. But I am cold. And my heat is on and I’m still cold and I hate to be cold. Stupid screen door. But if I get up to go shut it then I have to open the big door and then I’ll get even colder. Hmmm…I wonder if my experiment will really work. Will I be able to type what I’m thinking without thinking too much? ……(that’s a pause in my thoughts, the more dots the longer the pause)…..my throat hurts. I really need to relist the Panda Bear costume on ebay. I have to relist it because as I was getting ready to ship it I realized that one of the booties is missing. A one-footed Panda Bear costume. Sucks because I would have just about gotten my money back on it, now I’ll have to sell it way cheaper. The damn cat keeps drinking out of the fish bowl! And it isn’t a bowl, it’s a tall square vase so he’s going to end up tipping it over and Mr. Limpet will die and Chris will be heartbroken. Chris loves that silly fish better than any other pet we have. He has taught it to do tricks. Yes, our fish minds better than the dogs do. So far so good, still typing without too much thinking going into it. I really don’t want to go workout tomorrow. There is this sick part of me that like wants one of the kids to wake up sick so I don’t have to go. That’s terrible isn’t— Damn cat is drinking about of the fish vase again! Sorry had to take a quick break to go stick the cats head (not literally) into the water bowl so he realizes I did give him water. Anyway, I don’t want to go workout but I have to. Not only to lose weight but because I have CPRD’s heart rate monitor because I need to see what my heart rate gets up to during spin. So I like HAVE to go. …………….It’s funny how when I lay in bed trying to go to sleep I can think of all this witty stuff to blog about. But then I get on the compter and I’m not so witty anymore. I think I’m pretty witty person in person, but I think I over think myself on here. Trying to make a good impression or something. Stupid insecurities. I hate being insecure. Wow only one more minute to go. I better make it a good minute. Hmm……….Hey somebody (not naming names, lol) just commented on my fb status. ……I think I’m going to change Brooklyn’s room around tomorrow. I have so much to do to get ready for this party on Sunday, and I’m going to be gone all day Friday. But my crazy self wants to tackle B’s room tomorrow instead of just cleaning.
Uh. My 10 minutes is up. Now I’m going to publish this before I read it so I don’t over-think myself and go back and retype it. Thank you for taking part in my experiment. It was kind of fun. For me anyway, don’t know about you.
ps- I did spell check it before I published it though, I don’t want to look that stupid.
