Elf on the Shelf overacheiver

Some of you have probably read the “people I want to punch in the throat” blog mentioning the Elf on the Shelf overachiever moms. I found it very ironic that this blog hit my fb news feed the same day our own little elf arrived. I thought the blog was hilarious, and while some of the things mentioned I would never, ever do (like the whole pillow fight thing) the main reason I got the elf was to do those fun things with it for the kids.

I didn’t get the elf to tattle on my kids, I don’t expect them to behave any different at Christmastime than I expect them to behave the rest of the year. They do though…they behave worse if anything! But I don’t say (or won’t) “the elf is watching you”, they’ll get in trouble just like they would if Jingle (our elf) wasn’t here. We decided to get the elf because I saw how much fun it would be for the kids. Friends of mine would post pictures on fb showing where their elf was, or what the elf was doing, and I could just imagine how excited their kids would be to wake up and find him. Seeing those pictures, or hearing those stories, made me want to get an elf for my kids, to add to the fun of the season. And seeing them find him last night when he arrived, and this morning when he had moved was 100% worth it. They keep watching him to see if he has moved a leg, an arm, if he winks, it is so fun for me to watch them light up when they think he’s crossed a leg a little more than it was before.

We absolutely do Santa, we tell the kids we still believe in Santa, and of course he doesn’t show up for the people that don’t believe in him. Do I think that by encouraging Santa and our kids belief in him that they don’t know what Christmas is really about? No way. If you ask any of my kids what Christmas is about they won’t say Santa, presents, Jingle, Rudolf or anything except Jesus’ birthday. They know that Christmas is about celebrating Jesus’ birth. It is completely possible to add a little “magic” to the holiday without taking away what it is truly about. (Oh no! I said holiday & not Christmas…that is a completely different blog though!)

I guess while I did think it was funny, the overachiever blog annoyed me a little because why does she care what other moms do for their kids? It’s the same way I don’t understand when someone says that a “supermom” annoys them, why the hell do they care what someone wants to do for their kids? Yeah, I try to be a “supermom” or an “overachiever” mom, because that’s the kind of mom I want to be. Do I think if you aren’t striving to be one of those that you’re a bad mom, absolutely not. Do I think if you don’t do all the same stuff I do for my kids that you suck, no way. Mom’s often say they feel judged by the so-called supermoms out there, but don’t they think “we” feel just as judged? They think we judge them for what they don’t do for their kids, but from my own experience we get judged just as much for what we do.

Judging each other as moms is so completely stupid. As long as you’re not abusing your child, I really don’t care what kind of mom you are. Honestly, if I see you smoking in the car with your kid, or your kid jumping all over the car while you’re driving, I might think you suck a little, but not completely. But I still don’t think you’re a bad mom, because there may be things you do way better than I do for my kids. I do the things I do for my kids, and for my husband, because it is what I want to do, not because I feel like I need to compete with anyone, or because I need to show-off what I do, or because I think I’m better than anyone.

So if I want my effin elf to cause mischief and be moved more than from one shelf to another, I will and you can bite me if you don’t like it. (or punch me in the throat)

Mostly “yay” and a little “oh shit”

That was my reaction when I found out on Monday that my breast reduction surgery has been approved by my insurance. I have known I wanted to get this surgery for at least the past 10 years, I just knew I wanted to wait until I was done having babies. I had planned on waiting until Chloe was in kindergarten (next year!) to have it so that I wouldn’t have kids at home to care for during the day while I was recovering. Then after all my kidney stone issues last winter I hit my maximum out-of-pocket amount within the first few months of the year. I started thinking about having the surgery done this year while insurance would pay 100% of any medical cost. So I went to our clinic here first, they sent their recommendation for the surgery to the insurance,  insurance said I needed to have the approximate amount of tissue to be removed and the clinic here couldn’t do it. So I went for a consultation in Billings, the surgeon said “I see no reason you won’t be approved” and sent his recommendation in. Then I waited…and waited…and waited. Finally Chris called the insurance company the day we left for vacation and asked what the hold up was. The lady he spoke to said that it was still being processed and that it could take 30-45 business days. I kind of thought since they were taking awhile in approving it, they weren’t going to. I called Monday to find out if they had made a decision yet. She said “I show you being approved as of October 20, so you’re good to go”. Mostly “YAY” and a little “oh shit”. I know I need this surgery but omg I am so scared and stressed out. I’m scared of the recovery, I know it’s going to be hard, and it’s at an awful time of year…Brooklyn & Landen’s birthdays are the day before and the day after Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, Christmas…what a horrible time of year to be recovering from a major surgery!! I’m scared of the pain and of being on pain killers and not being myself. I hate asking for help and I know I’m going to need help. The list of things I can’t do for the first few weeks is long…no lifting my arms above my  head (or as little as possible) so I need help washing/doing my hair (which is a whole other cause of stress right now, the Brazilian blowout I got done in San Diego has made my hair start breaking off really bad, so now I have basically ‘bald spots’ on the top of my head!), I can’t do anything that “jiggles” the breast area or uses those muscles. They told me no vacuuming for 8 freaking weeks!! Me not vacuum for EIGHT weeks?! Obviously I know Chris and my mom and my sister and my friends will help…but I vacuum everyday, I can’t expect anyone else to do that. And what about decorating for Christmas…I can oversee it, but I’m not going to be able to do most of it. No lifting my babies, I still carry Chloe a lot. No lifting laundry baskets and I don’t trust my laundry to anyone else, so there again, I’m going to have to oversee it, but I can’t do it. Giving over this much control of my household and my life for eight weeks is scaring the crap out of me. I am not a person that likes to ask for help, I hate asking for help. So this whole thing is hard for me b/c I just needed help when all the kidney stuff happened, then I needed help when we roofed, then I needed help when Chris & I went to San Diego, then I needed help when we went on vacation, and now I have to ask again?! Ugh…I hate it! I am a person that likes to be able to handle it all, to be able to just do what needs to be done.I’m trying to do as much around the house as I can to get prepped for it, to make it as easy on everyone else as I can, but for craps sake we just got home from a week-long vacation, and I’m doing two photo shoots in the next two days and it’s Halloween so there are parties and treats and decoration and ahhhhhh!!!! And of course I’m finding stuff that “needs” to be done that really doesn’t need to be done. I’m freaking the freak out. My stress level right now is like at the max…I’m walking around taking deep breaths so much Chloe has started doing it too, lol.I’m scared of what I’ll look like after this. I’m not worried about the scars or anything, I’m worried about how I’ll see myself. I’ve had these giant boobs for all of my adult life. They haven’t always been this big, they got bigger with each pregnancy and just never went down in size. So I’m used to seeing myself with them, how am I going to look when part of them are gone? What will my body look like then?

But…I know my back won’t hurt so much, I know my shoulders won’t hurt so much, I know my neck won’t hurt so much, I know I won’t have headaches every freaking day of my life. And insurance approving it, if not quickly, easily, is validation that I need it. I know people don’t realize I’m as big as I am. I carry them well I guess, lol. When I’ve mentioned getting it done to people some have been surprised that I need it and have said they didn’t think I was that big. I’m currently a 34G so I am that big. The surgeon said I’ll be a full C when I’m all recovered (after the swelling goes down). I haven’t been a C since my sophomore year of high school! But I’ll be able to buy pretty bras now, not the industrial strength ones. And I’ll be able to buy them at any store, not have to go to a specialty store!

Poor Chris is having a little separation anxiety too, lol. No, really, I know this is going to be hard on him. He works long hours and when he comes home he helps out, but now when he comes home he’ll have to do everything. He’s not only going to have to take care of the kids and the pets and the house, he’s going to have to take care of me while I recover. And him being the wonderful person he is doesn’t even bat an eye at it. He just says “stop worrying, I’ll be fine”. God I love him.

I sunburned my lips on vacation so now I have a big blister and sore on my bottom lip, my hair is breaking off on the top of my head to the point that you can see skin, and I’m getting a reduction in a week.  Chris knows my stress is crazy right now and asked me how I was last night and this is what I said…”My lip is huge and hurts, my hair is breaking off and I’m going bald, and part of  my boobs are getting cut off.”  But my lip will heal soon, my hair…well I still don’t know wtf to do about that, and my boobs getting cut off is a good thing, or will be in about 8 weeks. Stay positive, right?

 

Vacation

Ok, here we go. I’m just going to say if you don’t want a full-detailed account of our vacation, stop reading now. Or just skim through, I plan on remembering as much of our vacation as possible and writing it out. This is more for me than for those who do want all the details. I want to be able read this down the road and remember how great it was. In fact, I’ll probably print it out and put a copy in each one of the kids keepsake bins. Anyway…onto the story….

Friday, October 14- We planned on leaving Colstrip at 8am, I said this  meant we’d get out of town between 9-9:30…I was right. I think it was just about 9 when we finally pulled onto the highway, coffees (and hot chocolate for the kids) in hand. Not much detail on this day…lots and lots of driving. We stopped in Sheridan for a snack, Casper to buy Halloween decoration accessories (vampire teeth!) and lunch, Cheyenne for gas & a snack, and Loveland CO for outlet mall shopping…which we bought nothing, lol. Chris even offered to buy me a Coach purse at the Coach outlet, but I couldn’t spend that much money on myself again….something I’m sure I’ll be kicking myself for in a month or two. We grabbed McD’s drive-thru outside Denver and proceeded to our hotel. I have to say that drive was one of the longest of my life, even though it is about the same distance as from here to Missoula it seemed much longer. Eastern Wyoming is very, very boring to drive through…much like Eastern Montana I guess, lol.

Saturday, October 15- up bright and early to get ready for the airport. When we get to big city airports that’s when our kids small town-ness shows. They are so, so excited to see moving walkways and escalators, and Denver airport has plenty of them! We got to the airport in just enough time to grab a snack for the flight, go to the restroom, and get on the plane. The flight was good, I have to say I love Frontier airlines, with tv’s in the back of the seats (they do cost but so worth it for a 4 hour flight!) and fresh baked cookies! The kids did great on the plane, unfortunately we were separated, Chris & Landen sat together and us girls were a few rows in front of them. We got to Orlando around 4pm and Chris had booked a limo to take us to our hotel in Cocoa Beach. The kids thought this was the best thing ever (and surprisingly was significantly cheaper than taking a shuttle & the same price as renting a car). We got to our hotel and got settled, the hotel we stayed at was great, it was connected to one large store, had a restaurant & a Starbucks, was across the street from a Ron Jon surf store, and was only about 2 blocks from the beach. The restaurant had a large salt-water aquarium so the kids loved watching that while we ate. After dinner we all headed to the pool for a bit, then back to the room for dessert and went to bed.

Sunday October 16- CRUISE DAY!! We woke up, got ready and went down to eat breakfast. Our shuttle to the ship was going to leave at 12:20, so we had time to kill. We browsed through the two stores, then Chris walked the kids down to the beach while I went back to the room to get everything packed up and organized and ready to leave. On our shuttle there was a family that hadn’t told their kids what they were doing. So we had to tell the kids that they couldn’t talk at all on the shuttle ride. We knew if they started talking one of them would slip and say something they weren’t supposed to! They did awesome! That is the longest any of them have gone without talking I think! As we got closer to the port you could see the ship and we were all in awe…it was massive. I was so proud of our kids for staying quiet because I know how badly I wanted to say something! It became obvious that we were going to the port so the mom of the other family said something about dropping us off there first, then they’d head to the airport. Those poor kids just looked so deflated. When we pulled up Chris says to them “You guys have a safe trip home” and we got out. Then the mom told the kids that they were actually going too…the screams that came out of that van were so loud! It made us all smile! This is where the amazing Disney service starts…when you get out you leave your luggage in the appointed area (there are tags on all the bags with your name and stateroom #) they bring the luggage right to your room for you. There was security to go through and we checked in. We registered the kids with their kids program where they each received an electronic wristband and we had to give the Disney people a password. This was so when the kids went into the kids area they checked in with their wristband (it never came off and was waterproof) , then when we wanted to check them out we had to give them our “key to the world” card & the password. It was a GREAT security measure! (Btw, the key to the world card was a little credit-card looking thing that we each had one of. This opened our door, allowed us to charge things (drinks and purchases at the shops), and was our entry back onto the ship from the ports. ) Then we made our way onto the ship. As you get ready to walk through the doors onto the ship there is a crew member standing there that announces your name “Disney Dream welcomes the Scheese family” and all the other crew members standing around applaud and cheer…it was pretty cool. Walking onto the ship was breathtaking…it was so beautiful. It was shiny and fancy and elegant…amazing. So we got onto the ship and were shown how to get to our room. By the time we got up there our luggage was already waiting outside our door for us…they move quick! The room wasn’t huge, but we never felt cramped or anything. There was a queen size bed for Chris & I, a couch that flipped over to a bed, a bed that came down from the ceiling, and a captains bed that folded into the wall. It also had a long dresser/desk area and two closet areas. There were two bathrooms, one with a sink and a toilet, and another with a sink and a shower/round bathtub. The shower was ah-mazing…best shower ever! Our room also had a veranda with two chairs and a little table on it, each side was blocked off so it was nice and private…although we had a smoker around us and every once in awhile you could smell the smoke from their veranda…yuck! After we checked the room out we decided to go eat lunch. We went upstairs to where “Cabanas” was, which was the buffet place. Omg…the buffet was crazy! It was huge and there was everything from regular sandwiches to more exotic foods…there was so much food on the trip I can’t even remember what they had, lol! We ate and went to go look around the ship. Being so big it took us quite awhile! It was amazing…so much detail and artwork and just everything. Then we decided that Chris would take the kids swimming while I unpacked. I’m an organization freak and I couldn’t stand the thought of living out of the suitcases for 4 days, so I needed to unpack and get our room set for the cruise portion of our trip! By the time we got all done with those things it was about time to get ready for dinner. We had left port by that time too and it was interesting trying to get the feel of the slight rocking of the boat. It wasn’t enough to make anyone feel sick, but it was enough that you noticed it. Even though dinner attire was “cruise casual” (no shorts or tank tops) we decided that we’d use these four nights to get to dress up. Living where we do, there isn’t much opportunity to dress “fancy” as the kids called it. We got to our restaurant for that evening, The Animators Palate, where we met our dinner companions and our waiters. On all four nights, you dine with the same people and have the same two waiters. We hit it off with the other couple and their son really well. The Animators Palate had a lot of drawings and pictures of the different Disney cartoons. There are large screens, that look like pictures, that shift throughout the meal. Then Crush, the turtle from Finding Nemo, comes onto the screens and talks with different guests. I’m not sure how they do it, but he asked them questions and then responded to the answers. It was pretty neat. Dinner was amazing and right away we loved our waiters, Naya and Kevin. They did magic tricks for the kids after dinner and the kids promplty nicknamed them “the magic men”. Dinner was four courses, appetizer, soup/salad, main course, and dessert…all of it excellent! After dinner we were all exhausted (it was about 10pm) by this time so we headed back to the room and crashed out for the night.

Monday, October 17- Nassau, Bahamas! We woke up pulling into Nassau…amazing. We got up fairly early and headed to breakfast, again the buffet at Cabanas was out of this world. The food was outstanding and you had more choices than you could ever need. My favorite breakfast food through the entire trip was their jelly donuts though…omg…I have never, ever had a donut so good! And I ate a lot of them…hey it was vacation! After breakfast we headed up to our room to get everything we needed for our trip to the water park at the Atlantis resort. As we got off the ship Brooklyn said “it’s so hot I can’t breath” it wasn’t so much that it was hot as that it was very humid. We had a short walk from the ship through the port area to where our shuttle was waiting to take us to Atlantis. The drive to Atlantis was crazy…lol they drive on the ‘wrong’ side of the road and they go fast…very fast, around cars, cutting people off…crazy, but fun! So we get to Atlantis and it is as amazing to see in person as it is on the commercials. It was huge and very pretty. We walked through part of it to get out to the back and the artwork is amazing. Outside we walked past the outer part of their aquarium and got to see sting rays, manta rays (omg they’re huge), sea turtles, and all kinds of fish on our walk to the water-park area. I do have to say we were a little dissapointed when we got to the water park and realized that Brooklyn was the only one of the kids tall enough to go on most of the slides. I’m not sure how we missed that when we decided to do it, but we did. There was one part that we could all go on called the lazy river…which wasn’t ‘lazy’ at all. There were tunnels and rapids and it was so much fun! They also had a good sized kid area that Landen & Chloe were able to play on. Chris & Brooklyn were able to go on several of the large waterslides, including the one that was featured in the Amazing Race a few years ago (and is in a lot of the commercials) that is almost straight down and goes into where sharks are swimming. I wasn’t able to go on any of the big slides b/c there just wasn’t enough time. Purchasing the water park tickets also gave us access to the amazing aquarium they have. It goes underground and has glass to look through along the way. It was crazy! So many beautiful fish and we got to see the manta ray up close…it was so large that I couldn’t even get the whole thing in one picture! All of our favorite part of it was the jelly fish though…to get to see them up close like that…breathtaking! After the aquarium we headed back to the ship. We could have stayed longer at Atlantis, but we needed to allow ourselves enough time to get ready for the show that night and dinner. When we got to the port there were some Bahamian ladies braiding hair, we decided to get the girls hair braided there. They had someone on the ship doing it too, but we figured if they were going to get it done, they were going to get it done on the island. The girls were great, I know it had to hurt (good thing they have tough heads!) but they sat there and didn’t fuss at all. I think they knew those Bahamian women meant business! Brooklyn was very excited when I told her I could do the same thing, I’ll need some practice to get it as tight and small as they did, but I’m sure I can get it eventually. We got back on the ship and got ready for the show and dinner. The show was called Villains Tonight, and was all about the villains from the Disney movies. It was spectacular! We all loved it. After the show we had about an hour to kill so we dropped the kids off at the kid area then Chris and I went roamed around a bit. Then we picked the kids up and went to dinner. Dinner on this night was at The Enchanted Garden, which is exactly what it sounds like, a beautiful garden setting where the colors in the ceiling and walls change throughout dinner. Once again, the food was great and the service was incredible.  After dinner we went back to the room and got our swim stuff on (again at like 10pm) and took the kids up to the pools. Chris & I took the older two on the Aquaduct (Chloe was too little) and they got to swim until around 11:30. Then we went and crashed out for the night.

Tuesday, October 18- Castaway Cay! (which is actually pronounced key not cay) Disney’s own private island! We woke up a bit later on this day since we didn’t have to be off the ship at any certain time. After breakfast we headed out to the island & bought some sand toys for the kids, then headed to beach.  The water was fantastic, we were in a ‘bay’ area so no waves and the water was the perfect temperature to cool us off but was comfortable to get in right away. We swam for awhile and played in the sand. They had a big bbq buffet set up for lunch, which again was outstanding. Chris & I dropped the kids off at the kid area on the island and went snorkeling for a bit. We saw a sting ray (which was a little creepy!) and lots of beautiful fish. After we picked the kids back up Chris took Brooklyn out to snorkel. Landen had the stuff to go too, but it freaked him out too much. That surprised me b/c we had bought them a snorkel set this summer to practice and he took right to it in the pool. I guess the ocean was a different story though! Brooklyn absolutely loved snorkeling and probably would have stayed out there all day if she could have! Landen, Chloe & I built a sandcastle and played in the water while they snorkeled. There was an off-shore storm that started causing quite a bit of wind on the island so when Chris & Brooklyn came back in we started packing our stuff up. I did a little shopping on the island then we headed back to the ship. We went back to the room and got ready for the show and dinner. This nights show was a ventriliquest, I wasn’t really wasn’t all that excited to go, but am so happy we did. He was hilarious! Dinner on this night was at The Royal Palace, which was the ‘fanciest’ of the three restaurants. On this night it was ‘pirate night’, in our rooms we each received a Mickeys Pirates in the Carribean bandana. It was crazy…there were so many people in full pirate costumes! Idk if they had brought them with them, or if they bought them on the ship, but it was crazy how many there were. I think our kids were the only ones that didn’t know much about Jack Sparrow or the Pirates of the Carribean movies…because we don’t let them watch PG-13 movies,  but they didn’t seem to mind, or even notice that they didn’t know anything about them. Anyway, after dinner there was a “pirate party” on the deck so we headed to that. There was a small skit/play w/ Mickey and his crew and another one with Jack Sparrow and Black Beard. They were both great! Then after all of that they had fireworks from the ship. Disney is the only cruise line that can shoot fireworks from their ship so that was pretty cool. It was amazing to watch them out over the ocean like that.

Wednesday, October 19- at sea. This was a rough day and therefore won’t have much detail. There was large storm that wasn’t actually hitting us, but was causing major waves. I was sick, took some Dramamine, and went to bed for most of the day. It was too windy to swim so Chris and the kids went to a movie on the ship then he took the kids to the kid area while he hung out. I’m not sure what all went on b/c I was in bed.  I woke up in enough time (barely) to get ready for the show and dinner. The show was called “Believe” and it was about a father/daughter. The daughter wanted her logical-thinking dad to believe in magic. Throughout the story different Disney magical characters (Genie, Fairy Godmother, ect) came and showed the father that magic is real. It was a great story and had a very happy ending. Idk how those actors/dancers were able to move around how they do when everyone on the ship walked like they were drunk from the waves, lol! Dinner was again at the Royal Palace. We had an early morning ahead of us so we went back to the room and packed as fast as we could. We were supposed to have our luggage outside our room by 10:30 so they could take it and have it waiting at the port for us in the morning.

Up until the last day I thought we’d for sure do another cruise someday. After being sick & sleeping the day away, I don’t know if we will. I feel like I lost a whole vacation day. Idk why I didn’t think to go get a prescription of some kind for naseau. I get carsick, so Idk why I thought I’d be ok. We got those sea-band wrist things but they didn’t do anything for me.

The service was unbelievable. You are treated so incredibly good that it’s pretty much unimaginable. When you sign up for the cruise they tell you what the ‘normal’ gratuity is for the room host & waiters are. I talked to a friend shortly before we left, who has been on a Disney cruise, and she told me that before the trip the amount seems high (it does!) but after the trip you are more than happy to give them that money (we were!). The room host, Benny, was amazing. He met us once, and after that knew our names, and he had like 5 other rooms! I said he must have gone down to his room and studied who everyone was, lol. Our room was made up twice a day, in the morning he’d put all our beds away and get everything ‘day-ready’ and at night he’d do turn-down service and get the beds ready to sleep in. Each night there was a towel-animal on the bed w/ a chocolate for each of us, and he’d put the kids stuffed animals/blankies on their beds all cozy and waiting for them. Seriously, anything you want at anytime is available. Chris thought two different dinners looked good, so he ordered both “no problem” he was told. (he make me say that they are small portions so it isn’t like he ate two huge dinners, lol) You never heard any of the crew bitch or complain about anything, they always had a smile on their faces. Now I know behind closed doors they probably bitch about stuff, but it was never, ever in front of the guests. The food was ridiculous…not just the taste and quality, but the amount! For breakfast you had your choice of room service, 3 restaurants, or the buffet; lunch was buffet; dinner was one of 3 restaurants; but during the day they also had a pizza place, a burger joint, or a sandwich shop, you could go get whatever you wanted at anytime. They also had an ice cream bar open where you could get yourself soft-serve ice cream anytime. At one point when I had told Landen we were getting a snack he said “not ice cream, I’m tired of ice cream” lol…that’s when you know a kids had a lot of ice cream! And holy cow…that boy ate some hamburgers on this trip! He had at least one everyday, lol!!

There were 1500 crew members on the ship, and I think around 3000 guests. So there were more people on that ship than in our entire town! But you never really felt that way, it wasn’t crowded at all. There was so much to do, almost too much! We never did see or make use of the adult area, there was just no time. I’m sure there were parents that did, there were many kids that were dropped off at the kid area in the morning and picked up right before dinner. But this was a family vacation for us, so we wanted to be with the kids. One of my favorite parts of being on the cruise was that we had no access to computers, phones, facebook, video games, nothing..and I never missed it We were able to just focus entirely on each other…it was great. I do have to say if there was one thing I’d do differently it was getting so ‘done up’ for the show & dinner. This take an extra 1 1/2-2 hours to get everyone ready, time that could have been spent swimming or something.

Thursday, October 20- back to Florida. We had an 8am breakfast time, that was actually at a restaurant, then after breakfast we headed directly to the port. We said goodbye to our room host and our waiters (who all got hugs from the kids!) Goodbye, Disney Dream! Our luggage was waiting for us, with a Disney crew member to take it to the shuttle area for us. We headed back to the same hotel we had stayed out the night before we got on the ship. We got there and headed down to the beach right away. We spent the afternoon on the beach, swimming in the ocean, playing on the beach, jumping the waves. Chris rented a body board and Brooklyn took to that immediately. If we lived by an ocean I’m sure she’d be surfer in no time. The rest of us spent about equal times on the beach and in the water, but not her. She was in the ocean the entire time we were there…literally. When she was playing in the waves, the rest of us happened to be on the beach, there were 5-6 dolphins swimming not 50 feet from her! What an amazing thing!! It was so cool to watch them! The whole time we were really good about keeping sunscreen on all of us, and on this day we were really good about putting it on the kids…but Chris and I fried ourselves. Ouch! Idk why we didn’t put it on, just forgot I guess. After the beach we went to the room and showered and took a taxi to the pier for dinner. It was good…but nothing compared to the food and service on the ship!

Friday, October 21- still in Florida. Breakfast and the beach again. We left the beach in the late afternoon and headed to our hotel at the Orlando airport. Once we got there we went down into the airport mall area (the hotel is attached to the airport) and did some shopping and ate dinner. Then we re-packed the suitcases to meet the 50lb weight limits for the flights home and went to bed.

Saturday, October 22, on our way home. Long flight, longer drive. We left Florida at 8am their time, and got home at midnight our time. So basically about 18 hours of travel. The kids did fantastic with it though.

The trip was truly a dream vacation. It was fantastic and I am so, so glad we did it. I do have to say that I’ve heard of people saying “how can they afford that?” (really that’s none of your business) or “I wish I could afford that”, and it wasn’t that we just had the money laying around. Chris worked 12 hour night shifts for pretty much 3 months straight. In those three months he had 5 days off, not consecutive, just random days. That’s how we could afford it, we all sacrificed for him to work that much, because it wasn’t just him that it affected. It was hard on the kids and myself too. But it was so, so worth it! I don’t think we could have made it through those 3 months sane if we hadn’t had this to look forward to. And I am so thankful that he has a job that does allow him to pick up those crazy shifts to we can do stuff like this. All in all it was worth the money and worth Chris working so much.

Anyway, I know this is insanely long, and I know there are things that I probably left out that I had previously thought to put in. Maybe I’ll add those things later. Oh, I did want to list what characters the kids were able to see: All the princesses & princes, Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Goofy, Pluto, Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Chip & Dale, Captain Hook & Smee, Hades, Pain & Panic, Evil Queen, Malaficent, Ursula, Genie, Fairy Godmother, Jack Sparrow, Black Beard. That’s all I can remember off the top of my head, there very well could be ones that I’m forgetting.

I was going to add pictures onto this blog but I’ll have to do them in a separate one. This is already way too long, and I don’t have time right now.

“Confident & Content”

Here is (part of) a text I sent to Chris & Bridgette this morning:
“I have officially lost 20 lbs since January. I know that’s a long time, but hopefully since it took so long it’ll last. And I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my body and realizing that even though I don’t have a lot of people’s standard of a nice body, there are a lot more people who think I’m beautiful the way I am.  I don’t know what finally made it click for me but I’ve started thinking about my body and how yeah I don’t like my stomach, but I love that I look like  a woman and not a teenager or a boy. I would rather be happy like this than constantly hating myself and being disgusted when I see pictures”  They both responded in how they’re proud of me for the weight loss, but so much more proud of my mindset now.
So while this is the third post in a row about weight issues, this one is different from the other two, and hopefully the last one! I really don’t know what made my brain finally realize that I am ok the way I am. Maybe it was everyone’s very kind words in telling me I’m beautiful on here and fb after those blogs. Maybe it was from reading the “Whale vs. Mermaid” thing on fb and realizing that it’s ok NOT to be a mermaid. Idk what it was, but it’s like a light bulb went off over the past week or two.  I’m just happy with who I am. My body isn’t thin, it isn’t toned, I have a flabby stomach. But you know what, this body has also given birth three times and nourished three children for the pregnancies and for at least a year after having them.  I know I could work out and cut out the junk food and end up having a thin & toned body. I’m not going to use having kids as an excuse, I know there are plenty of women that have had that many or more kids that have amazing bodies. But you know what, I don’t want to kill myself working out for hours a day or cut out the food I love. I will continue to workout for my health, because I want to be a healthy person, but I’m over it being all about losing weight. There are so many other ways I’d rather spend my time than working out.  I have more important things to do with my time than worry about my weight.  Like I said, I’ll continue to exercise because it is a healthy thing to do, but I’m talking like a 1/2 hour to hour run on the treadmill not hours & hours everyday at the gym.  I’m 34 years old, I’m tired of the constant thought process of “how long do I have to run to burn off this cupcake”. I want to eat a damned cupcake and run only if I feel like it!

I know there are a lot of people who cannot understand this thought process, and that’s ok. You can think the way you do, but I’m done with that. I’m done feeling like I’m a cow. I’m done feeling like people look down on me because of my weight. Because you know what, if you’re one of those people who look at me and think I’m fat or that I need to lose weight, I don’t want to be friends with you. I don’t want you to be fake to my face and turn around and judge me because I’m not thin. I am just over it.  My husband thinks I’m sexy, he loves my body the way it is, and that’s enough for me. I’m confident and content with myself now and that is all I need.

Perfection

Some people say being a perfectionist is a bad thing, I don’t see it that way. I am a perfectionist, I think if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. I don’t expect perfection from anyone else, I don’t expect my kids to be perfect in any way, I don’t expect Chris to be perfect. But I do expect everyone to do their best.

For me, being a perfectionist means just that, that I try to be perfect at whatever I’m doing. I know that I’ll never achieve perfection though. I know the only one that is perfect is God. Do I let the fact that I can’t be perfect get me down? Sometimes, but not usually. Because like I said, I know I can’t be perfect. But I want to try. I want to be the very best mom that I can be. I want to be a perfect mom. I know I can’t be, but I can damn well try. I want to be a perfect wife. Am I? Yes.    Lmao…Chris might tell you something different. No, really, I’m not a perfect wife, in fact there are days that I wonder how in the world Chris puts up with me. I want to be a perfect sister, perfect daughter, perfect friend…etc. Do I succeed at those, no. I want my house to look perfect, I want it to be clean and look nice all the time. I struggle with that one, because it does mean that I’m cleaning up a lot, but for me to walk around my house and have stuff put away takes away a lot of stress. I have given up control of the playroom though. It isn’t clean most of the time. The kids have to clean it up once a week, other than that, it can stay messy. Some days I just have to avoid looking down there.

So why do people think that trying to be perfect is a bad thing? Why does it make some people angry? Literally angry? Why should anyone care that I’m trying to be the best that I can be at whatever I’m doing? For me, being a good mom isn’t enough, because there is always room for improvement. Being a good wife isn’t enough, because I could always be a better wife.

The one thing I struggle with the most is looking perfect. Because I want that so bad, but just can’t get there. I posted a blog about hating my body…I am changing that. Not my weight, try as I may, that isn’t changing, but my attitude about my weight is (slowly). We got a treadmill and I’ve been running 5-6 days a week since we got it. I can’t run far, 3 miles is my ‘normal’ day, and once a week I run 5 miles. So I know I’m not some marathon runner (and I never will be) but I’ve been running and I’ve been eating better. I’m NOT going to change the way I eat completely, I’m just not. Anyway, so I’ve been doing all this for about a month. Guess what, not one pound dropped. Talk about frustrating. But after my last “weigh-in” and not losing anything, I had to change my focus. No, I’m not the size I would like to be, no I can’t fit into my “skinny” clothes. But you know what,  I feel better, I’m teaching my kids that exercise is important, Chris said my attitude is better, so why do I have to focus so much on my weight. It has finally started to occur to me that maybe, just maybe, this is who I am. That I just need to find clothes that fit me well, and stop trying to get into a smaller size. If I can run as much as I have been and eat fewer calories, maybe this is just me. But there is that perfection thing again…I can always be better than what I am. So should I put all of that energy into looking perfect, or having a perfect attitude? Like I said, I know I’m not going to achieve any kind of perfection, so that is a somewhat rhetorical question.

Wow, this started out in my head as a much shorter, less complicated blog. But you know me, what is on my mind just comes pouring out with no rhyme or reason.

Hate

Hate is such a strong word, a word I don’t like to use often because it implies more than simple dislike, to hate something you have to be repulsed by it. So when people say “do you hate anyone” I always reply “no, I don’t hate anyone, but I strongly dislike people”.

So today I brought up to Chris the fact that we need to both ‘get serious’ (again) about getting in shape since we leave for vacation in 9 short weeks. When I say “we” I mainly mean “me”. I know that if I go on vacation looking the way I do I will not enjoy myself as much. I know I won’t want my picture taken, and the ones that are taken I won’t like. I don’t want to be like that on our “dream vacation”. Anyway, I was telling Chris all of this and he says to me “the thing is, we don’t look the way we want to yet in our lives, are we ever going to?” Not meaning that we should just give up, but meaning that we also need to find a way to be happy with who we are, and stop trying to be something else. He told me we need to not hate ourselves.  And it made me realize…I don’t know who I am not hating myself. I have hated my body for so many years, I don’t know how to not hate it. I remember one time, for less than a year, that I was happy with how I looked, and honestly that is the only time I can remember in my life that I was not struggling to be thinner. I remember in the 6th fucking grade thinking I should weigh a certain amount, I remember being in elementary school thinking I wished I had a flat tummy. Wtf? I was a child and I was unhappy with how I looked. So yeah, one time, between when Landen was about 1 to when I got pregnant with Chloe that I was happy with myself, in 34 years I have had less than one year of not hating myself. So I don’t know who I am not hating myself or how to not hate myself. My weight is on my mind 99% of my waking hours…and probably close to that in my dreams. I just think if I could only lose weight I would be happy with how I look, I wouldn’t be embarrassed of myself, I would be accepted by society…by my family, if only I could lose weight I would be the happiest person in the world. Because other than that, my body, I am happy. I am married to an amazing man who loves me more than I  thought anyone could ever love me, 3 healthy, beautiful, happy children who think I’m the best mommy (most of the time) ever, great friends and family that make me laugh and love me, a stable income that allows me to stay home and be a wife and mommy just like I’ve always wanted. But it’s this one thing, that for many is a small thing, but for me is a huge thing, that makes me unhappy. So I think about how to lose weight…all the time. “I’ve done it before I can do it again” rings in my head constantly. And I have done it before, I lost weight between Brooklyn & Landen and was happy.  I’ve done it the healthy way, by eating right and exercise, and I’ve done it the unhealthy way by starving myself. And neither one is easy, they both take a lot of determination. So then I think, why can’t I have that strong will again, and just.stop.eating?! Idk…I just can’t stop myself. I truly think food is an addiction for me. Like someone who wants to quit smoking but just craves that one smoke, that’s how I am with food. I can tell myself just don’t eat it, but the next thing I know, I’m in the kitchen searching for something, anything, to stuff in my mouth. So it isn’t that I don’t know now how to lose weight, it’s that I don’t know how to get control of myself. So please, don’t say “this worked for me” or “you should try this”, because I know all of that, it isn’t a lack of knowledge. I can start a day great, but by evening I’m right back at it and so mad at myself that again I hate myself for what I’m doing. And then comes the frustration when I have done good and worked out 2 hours a day, 5 days a week, eaten the “right” amount of calories, and still nothing. I still don’t lose anything, so I start the whole “why do I even bother” track in my head.

Idk what the whole point of this post is. I just had this rolling track of words in my head, I had to get it out. I guess that’s why I blog, to get what I’m feeling out of my head, for at least the time it takes me to type it out.

But you know what has been on my mind the entire time throughout this post…how I’m going to lose weight before vacation.

I hate when I want to blog about something but I can’t, because it isn’t someTHING I want to blog about, but someONE…or someoneS….and while they may not read this or even know that I’m writing about them, I don’t want to take that chance.  So instead I have to internalize everything I want to say and I can’t. Grrr…annoying.  But it isn’t even necessarily all “bad” stuff…ok, yes it is because if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be cautious about blogging it, lol. But I guess I can look at it this way, while I have to internalize everything I’m thinking and feeling about those someones (I know, bad grammar) at least I’m not out gossiping about them. Maybe I’ll blog it but not publish it, then I can at least vent and get it of f my chest!

On to another subject….Colstrip Days. The annual Colstrip Days celebration was this weekend. It is the one time during the year that there is actually a lot of stuff going on. I do remember it being much bigger though. When I look back on Colstrip days of the past I remember it lasting from Friday morning until Sunday night, it seems like there was just so much more, but when I try to remember what else was going on, I can’t recall any specific thing that was happening that doesn’t still happen. So I’m wondering if it is just my little-kid perspective? Was it just ‘bigger’ because I was smaller? Anyway, this year was a great year. I went out TWO nights in a row… and I never go “out”. I think the last time I went to a bar for more than like one drink was at least over a year ago.  I am tired, to say the least, today, but I had a lot of fun. I am still on my 10 years and counting of no hangovers. I am so, so glad I know when I’m to the point that if I drink anymore it’s going to be bad and I can stop. A hangover to me is pretty much like a migraine, I get those damn things enough as it is, why get one on purpose?!

I know I had other things on my mind to blog about, but the kids are beyond crabby and tired so I’ve been refing fights between them while trying to type this and have totally lost my train of thought…which reminds me that I need to do a “10-minutes in the mind of Dani” blog again sometime. But not right now…

Slacker

I find it quite funny that I get “annoyed” when blogs I read have no new posts…but I haven’t blogged in, what…months? Idk why, just nothing to say I guess. Although if you asked my husband or my sister about that they’d probably say I have plenty to say.   So I’m a total slacker when it comes to blogging lately, I always say I’m going to be better, but I never am, so this will probably be the only blog for a few months or so. There is no real point to this blog…just randomness. I was SO ready for school to be out, to be done with having a schedule and to just enjoy summer. Now our schedule is even crazier than it was with school. The classes at the community center that the kids and I are in don’t start until an hour after school did, but to get everything ready we have to be up at about the same time we did during the school year.  But everyone is going to bed later and most days no one gets a nap so that makes for some crabby kids (and sometimes a crabby mom). It is wonderful living someplace that there is so much for kids to do though, even if it makes our schedule crazy.  I LOVE living in a ‘real’ neighborhood now. The kids have friends to play with almost anytime they’d want, and now that’s nice they are outside almost all day. And I LOVE that we are within walking distance of most anywhere we want to go in town.
Yesterday was my birthday. I wasn’t thrilled about turning 34…that’s MID-30′s. Not excited about that. But I had a great day. I went ahead and worked out, even though I didn’t really want to. Then I met some friends for a picnic…even though the weather wasn’t great, came home and relaxed, then Chris made me ribs for dinner and my sister came to eat with us. Then we had a small party at the fire hall (so I wouldn’t have to clean house on my b-day) then our neighbors, a friend, and my mom came back to the house and sat outside and let the kids run wild. We finally headed in about 11:30 or so…so when I finally got to bed it was after midnight. And this is why getting old sucks…ten years ago I could have gone to bed at that time and woken up at 8 (like I did with the kids) and been totally fine. Today I’m dragging ass…soooo tired, lol!!!
And this is why I haven’t blogged in forever (besides having nothing to say) I’ve only written that much but have been trying to write it for about 30 minutes. Not that I’m sitting here just typing, I’m constantly up and down getting stuff for the kids, changing laundry, etc.
So I’ll say it again…I’ll try to be better about blogging, but Idk how that’ll go.

A scare

So we recently had “a scare”…anyone that has ever thought they might be pregnant when they weren’t planning on it knows exactly what “a scare” means, lol.  It wasn’t that I was actually scared, because while it wouldn’t have been what we planned, I know it would have been ok. Yeah, I was having a minor freak-out…where do we put a baby (yes this house is big, but it technically only has 4 bedrooms), what about our “thing” planned for October (we couldn’t do it), we have NO baby stuff anymore…etc. But I knew in the end if I was pregnant I would embrace the pregnancy and love the ‘unplanned’ child as much as my three very planned children.  And because I can totally let my mind get away with things I started thinking of names and all that stuff. I know, I’m crazy!  But I also started thinking about what I would do differently during this pregnancy and with this baby, and what I would do the same. I was always a no-caffeine pregnant woman, or not always I guess. I started out having a cup of coffee or a pepsi once in a while when I was pg w/ Brooklyn, but I realized I felt crappier after I had the caffeine, so I cut that out, and didn’t have it at all through my other two pregnancies. Didn’t have it while I nursed  them either. Obviously I didn’t drink alcohol while pg and I didn’t while I nursed. So those things I’d do the same. This time I would eat better, not use it as an excuse to eat whatever whenever I wanted. I’d exercise throughout the whole pregnancy, or at least try to. In other words, I wouldn’t gain 65lbs, lol!! As far as with the baby, a lot I’d do the same, I lean toward the attachment parenting philosophies. This time I don’t even think I’d buy a bassinet, cradle, or even a crib. At least not until the baby was several months old. My babies sleep with me, so why spend the money? I love sleeping with my kids so I wouldn’t do that different. I’d cloth-diaper. I never thought I’d say that, but with the ones they have now, I’d at least try it. Better for the environment, better on the pocket-book, and they’re so darn cute! And I have a front-loading washer with a sanitation cycle. I’d breastfeed again, but this time I’d go longer than a year (if the baby wanted) I nursed Brooklyn until she was 13 months, Landen weaned himself at about 11 months, and the last time I nursed Chloe was on her first birthday. I’m not saying I’d go until they were 4, but until 2 or a little older would be ok with me. And when they’re that old it (usually) isn’t an all the time thing, it’s like before naps and/or bedtime. I’d wear the baby more, I wore Chloe a lot, but I’d get one of those cool wrappy things and wear the baby as much as possible. If it was a boy I still wouldn’t circumcise (Landen isn’t, again I’m sure when he’s grown he’ll love that I shared that detail). I don’t think it’s necessary and therefore don’t see any reason to do it. You can read previous blogs if you want the details and my arguments against circ’ing.
Anyway, I’m not pregnant. Which I knew in my heart I wasn’t, I know how unlikely it would be for me to ever have another baby. But sometimes I let my mind wander and think of how I’d do this one exactly the way I want because I’ve learned from the previous three and I’d know beyond a shadow of a doubt this was my very last pregnancy and baby.

“Enter title here”

Today I’m typing my blog first, then I’ll think of a title. I have a crap-load of random thoughts going on and as of now can’t think of a general ‘theme’ to them for a title.  Hope you can follow this, because I’m just going to type as I think and may jump from one subject to another (that’s just how my brain works).
Today is my fourth day of my weight loss, Idk what to put, I hate the “weight-loss journey” thing, I’m not on a fricken journey. To me a journey is GOING somewhere, I’m not going anywhere while I lose weight. I don’t want to put attempt, because I’m not just going to attempt it this time, I’m going to do it. So ok, today is the fourth day of me working to lose weight. There that works. Because it is work, I am WORKING to lose weight. I’m proud of myself, even though it is only day 4. I am keeping track of my calories and have actually easily stayed under my goal, and I’m not hungry. Chris is on nights, which is normally when I binge horribly, and I haven’t binged at all. And it’s been easy, it’s not like I’m sitting there thinking about what I want to eat like I normally would. I think it’s all in the mindset. But I’m also not one to deprive myself saying that I can’t have a certain food, I just measure it out and make sure it fits into my daily calories.  It has been tempting for me to try a few different weight-loss supplements that are out there, but I’m doing it the old-fashioned way. I think “yeah I might lose weight while drinking the shakes or whatever, but what happens when I start eating normal again?” Because I know I’m not going to live on shakes forever.  So I’ll do it by eating fewer calories and working-out.  And I think if its hard to lose and I have to work for it, maybe it’ll keep me from gaining it back.  My sister just sent me a text saying she has coconut cake if I want a piece, and I do, and I’ll eat it this evening, and I’ll make sure I keep my calories at a point today that I can & not go over what my max amount is. Today I have to wait to go workout until Chris gets up, which sucks. I hate working out in the middle of the day, but because I want this so badly I will do it. Actually I just remembered I’m going to a “party” tonight, so I’ll probably need to save my cake for tomorrow night.

I love having an entryway to my house, or foyer or whatever you want to call it, lol. It means if someone just stops by for a minute as long as that area is cleaned up, I don’t have to worry about the rest of my house. But I’m also pretty ocd so most of the time my house is what I call “unexpected guest ready”. It is easier in this house for sure since the kids have a play room and even though they do bring toys up to the living room, they have to take them back down each evening. But Belle’s hair has been horrible lately, I’ll vacuum and turn around and there is another big clump of black dog hair. But she got groomed yesterday so hopefully that problem will be taken care of. Sometimes people say things about how ‘unfun’ I must be b/c I keep my house clean, but I don’t think I’m ‘unfun’ because of that. Btw, I totally know that isn’t a real word. It really isn’t that hard as long as I keep up with it, it takes me a few minutes each day to do a run through and put things where they go, a 10-15 minutes to vacuum (I vacuum the kitchen/dining room too, so much easier than sweeping). I deep clean once a week and even that goes faster if I’ve kept up with ‘daily’ stuff throughout the week. Anyway, on the days I slack, or haven’t gotten to my clean-up routine yet, I’m so happy I have an entryway that you can’t see the rest of the house from. Although I do wish it had different doors so some sunlight would get in! (which it will in a year or two).

I’ve been thinking about who I really consider my friend lately.  I have come to realize over time that my idea of what my relationship w/ some people is/was and their idea is different.  At first my feelings were kind of hurt, but not anymore. I realize now that I don’t have a lot in common with them, and that’s ok. I think going through the kidney stuff that I went through recently and stuff made me realize who my “real” friends are. They’re the ones that asked how I was, they called, texted, fb, or even just asked my family how I was. They acted like they cared that I was in the hospital, and that I had to have 1 surgery and 1 procedure done.  And that doesn’t mean that I can’t be friendly and I guess even friends with other people, it’s just a different level of friendship. The people who I really consider my friends know (or I hope they know) that they can count on me for anything, that I will do whatever I can to help them out.  They’re the ones that I have things in common with. We’re on the same page parenting wise, we call a “girls night out” going to dinner and a movie-not the bar (or maybe rarely the bar, but we’ve never done that, lol) , we’d rather have our spouses and children with us when we get together than be by ourselves (most of the time anyway).  I’m not saying at all that people who aren’t the same as us are wrong, just different, and if you’re different in a lot of ways, its hard to find a common ground. kwim?

The flu hit our house this year.  Landen & Chloe both got it, and it sucked. My mom said that I should have gotten them the flu shot (we never have and we still won’t) but then she came down with the same strain they had. I know I shouldn’t find it humorous, but I do. That’s why we don’t do the shot, because I’ve heard of many, many people still getting it. Anyway, it was a rough week or so, but they’re better now & I think it’s amazing that none of the rest of us got it.

Chloe has her bff, Sierra, over today. They are so cute together! They have been the best of friends since they were tiny and I hope it stays that way.

I am so ready for spring, you know the 2 weeks of it we get here in MT. Idk why I keep thinking it’ll be here soon. I know better. Yeah, we might get a few nice days here & there, but winter will last well into April I’m sure. I so wish I lived somewhere that spring was an actual season and that while there might be rain, there was no snow after like February…or actually I wish I lived somewhere that it was warm all year. But I can’t imagine leaving Colstrip. If I could pick up the town and move it somewhere warm, that’s what I’d do. I know it has its downfalls, but for the most part I think it’s great here. Sometimes I think I must live in kind of a bubble here though. I hear people talk about “bad” things that go on, or “mean” people and I have no idea what they’re talking about, lol.  I’m ok with my bubble though.

This weekend when my family was over for Chloe’s birthday we were talking about how people who are shy have such a hard time not being seen as ‘stuck-up’ or having the ‘I’m better than you’ attitude. I’m one of those people, if I don’t know you well I’m probably not going to be the one to initiate conversation, and I’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable around you, even though I do want to talk to you.  I get anxiety when I think about being around people I don’t know well, and I hate that about my personality. I so wish I was one of those outgoing-talk-to-anyone kind of people. But I am who I am and I need to keep working on accepting that.

Brooklyn sold 449 boxes of cookies. Omg. We thought it was great when she was selling, we were (are) so proud of her for being so dedicated and wanting to go out and keep going house-to-house selling. Then we got them all…and have to deliver them all. Holy crap that’s a lot of cookies! Chris & Brooklyn have been out for probably a total of 6-7 hours delivering and the back of my van is still full of cookies! I feel bad b/c I know people who bought from her know that the cookies are in, but they haven’t gotten theirs yet. But between my kidney stuff, the kids having the flu, and Chris’s work schedule, it is hard finding the time to get them delivered! So if you’re reading this, bought cookies, and haven’t gotten them yet, I promise we’ll be there soon!!

Hmmm…I know I had more going on in my brain that all of this. Not that this isn’t a ton of useless rambling, lol. The little princesses keep asking for coloring pages though so I’m distracted now. I guess it’s for the best. I need to get off the computer and get my ‘clean-up’ of the house done so when Chris wakes up I can go workout.

Oh- I just entered my title. “Enter title here” because really, how do you condense THOSE random thoughts into one title?