Hate is such a strong word, a word I don’t like to use often because it implies more than simple dislike, to hate something you have to be repulsed by it. So when people say “do you hate anyone” I always reply “no, I don’t hate anyone, but I strongly dislike people”.
So today I brought up to Chris the fact that we need to both ‘get serious’ (again) about getting in shape since we leave for vacation in 9 short weeks. When I say “we” I mainly mean “me”. I know that if I go on vacation looking the way I do I will not enjoy myself as much. I know I won’t want my picture taken, and the ones that are taken I won’t like. I don’t want to be like that on our “dream vacation”. Anyway, I was telling Chris all of this and he says to me “the thing is, we don’t look the way we want to yet in our lives, are we ever going to?” Not meaning that we should just give up, but meaning that we also need to find a way to be happy with who we are, and stop trying to be something else. He told me we need to not hate ourselves. And it made me realize…I don’t know who I am not hating myself. I have hated my body for so many years, I don’t know how to not hate it. I remember one time, for less than a year, that I was happy with how I looked, and honestly that is the only time I can remember in my life that I was not struggling to be thinner. I remember in the 6th fucking grade thinking I should weigh a certain amount, I remember being in elementary school thinking I wished I had a flat tummy. Wtf? I was a child and I was unhappy with how I looked. So yeah, one time, between when Landen was about 1 to when I got pregnant with Chloe that I was happy with myself, in 34 years I have had less than one year of not hating myself. So I don’t know who I am not hating myself or how to not hate myself. My weight is on my mind 99% of my waking hours…and probably close to that in my dreams. I just think if I could only lose weight I would be happy with how I look, I wouldn’t be embarrassed of myself, I would be accepted by society…by my family, if only I could lose weight I would be the happiest person in the world. Because other than that, my body, I am happy. I am married to an amazing man who loves me more than I thought anyone could ever love me, 3 healthy, beautiful, happy children who think I’m the best mommy (most of the time) ever, great friends and family that make me laugh and love me, a stable income that allows me to stay home and be a wife and mommy just like I’ve always wanted. But it’s this one thing, that for many is a small thing, but for me is a huge thing, that makes me unhappy. So I think about how to lose weight…all the time. “I’ve done it before I can do it again” rings in my head constantly. And I have done it before, I lost weight between Brooklyn & Landen and was happy. I’ve done it the healthy way, by eating right and exercise, and I’ve done it the unhealthy way by starving myself. And neither one is easy, they both take a lot of determination. So then I think, why can’t I have that strong will again, and just.stop.eating?! Idk…I just can’t stop myself. I truly think food is an addiction for me. Like someone who wants to quit smoking but just craves that one smoke, that’s how I am with food. I can tell myself just don’t eat it, but the next thing I know, I’m in the kitchen searching for something, anything, to stuff in my mouth. So it isn’t that I don’t know now how to lose weight, it’s that I don’t know how to get control of myself. So please, don’t say “this worked for me” or “you should try this”, because I know all of that, it isn’t a lack of knowledge. I can start a day great, but by evening I’m right back at it and so mad at myself that again I hate myself for what I’m doing. And then comes the frustration when I have done good and worked out 2 hours a day, 5 days a week, eaten the “right” amount of calories, and still nothing. I still don’t lose anything, so I start the whole “why do I even bother” track in my head.
Idk what the whole point of this post is. I just had this rolling track of words in my head, I had to get it out. I guess that’s why I blog, to get what I’m feeling out of my head, for at least the time it takes me to type it out.
But you know what has been on my mind the entire time throughout this post…how I’m going to lose weight before vacation.
So I’m sure u have heard this but, everyone struggles with there weight! I work with beautiful fitness instructors and guess what we talk about, how to lose weight here or diet or train, I have decided that my weight does not determine who I am, ya I like to look good but that is not the most important thing about me! Not being cheesy u are beautiful a wonderful person and u should b proud of that! So u need to love yourself and relax, u only get one shot at this life and being skinny will not make it a wonderful life, but loving yourself will!
Wow Dani! That was very well said and exactly what i tell myself daily and fight with daily since i was old enough to realize what i was thinking. I have never been thin, i have always hated myself, have the know how to do what i need to do and know i can do it, but i have come to the realization the past couple years. I am afraid to succeed because i have never known success in that area of my life i would have to change my way of thinking and that scares me!
D-I think the majority of us feel like this but you are brave enough to put it into words. I have no solutions other than we can do our damnedest to help our girls not feel this way. When I first met you I thought to myself that if I had your body I would move to California and try to be a model or something. Over the years our lbs. have fluctuated but I’ve always thought you were well-put together. Your clothes always seem to fit you well and you always have your hair and makeup done, attributes I lack and therefore admire. I also remember what Chris said to you when you were nervous in your bathing suit around him when you first got together and I’ve always thought that was amazing of him. I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass, be it tight or jiggly, I’m just telling you that I think you always look fantastic and I maybe should tell you more often. As far as vacation, get some clothes you’re comfortable in, put a kid in front of you in pictures and wear a huge smile. Also don’t allow cameras on swimsuit days;) Nobody knows you there and 99% of people aren’t looking at you or judging you, no offense, because they are so fricken self-concious they’re just worried about what you’re thinking of their body! L
You’re not blowing smoke up my ass…and what you said is so true, no one is going to be worried about me because everyone is so worried that I’ll be looking at them, lmao!!!
I wonder if they are going to have another season of “addicted to food”? You should look into it (sorry, that’s a “you should”). It is an addiction, Dani and only those of us with the disease can understand it’s fury. No addict conquers alone. Even if you quit, you’ll still be sick. I think it takes an intense treatment facility and then continued therapy. Without that, it’ll haunt you forever. So, do you start looking for a facility or do you stay sick???? Love you, and I ALWAYS accept you just as you are!
I know that “I should” but there is no way I could leave my kids for as long as any inpatient treatment would take. Seriously, no way I could do it.