Mostly “yay” and a little “oh shit”

That was my reaction when I found out on Monday that my breast reduction surgery has been approved by my insurance. I have known I wanted to get this surgery for at least the past 10 years, I just knew I wanted to wait until I was done having babies. I had planned on waiting until Chloe was in kindergarten (next year!) to have it so that I wouldn’t have kids at home to care for during the day while I was recovering. Then after all my kidney stone issues last winter I hit my maximum out-of-pocket amount within the first few months of the year. I started thinking about having the surgery done this year while insurance would pay 100% of any medical cost. So I went to our clinic here first, they sent their recommendation for the surgery to the insurance,  insurance said I needed to have the approximate amount of tissue to be removed and the clinic here couldn’t do it. So I went for a consultation in Billings, the surgeon said “I see no reason you won’t be approved” and sent his recommendation in. Then I waited…and waited…and waited. Finally Chris called the insurance company the day we left for vacation and asked what the hold up was. The lady he spoke to said that it was still being processed and that it could take 30-45 business days. I kind of thought since they were taking awhile in approving it, they weren’t going to. I called Monday to find out if they had made a decision yet. She said “I show you being approved as of October 20, so you’re good to go”. Mostly “YAY” and a little “oh shit”. I know I need this surgery but omg I am so scared and stressed out. I’m scared of the recovery, I know it’s going to be hard, and it’s at an awful time of year…Brooklyn & Landen’s birthdays are the day before and the day after Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, Christmas…what a horrible time of year to be recovering from a major surgery!! I’m scared of the pain and of being on pain killers and not being myself. I hate asking for help and I know I’m going to need help. The list of things I can’t do for the first few weeks is long…no lifting my arms above my  head (or as little as possible) so I need help washing/doing my hair (which is a whole other cause of stress right now, the Brazilian blowout I got done in San Diego has made my hair start breaking off really bad, so now I have basically ‘bald spots’ on the top of my head!), I can’t do anything that “jiggles” the breast area or uses those muscles. They told me no vacuuming for 8 freaking weeks!! Me not vacuum for EIGHT weeks?! Obviously I know Chris and my mom and my sister and my friends will help…but I vacuum everyday, I can’t expect anyone else to do that. And what about decorating for Christmas…I can oversee it, but I’m not going to be able to do most of it. No lifting my babies, I still carry Chloe a lot. No lifting laundry baskets and I don’t trust my laundry to anyone else, so there again, I’m going to have to oversee it, but I can’t do it. Giving over this much control of my household and my life for eight weeks is scaring the crap out of me. I am not a person that likes to ask for help, I hate asking for help. So this whole thing is hard for me b/c I just needed help when all the kidney stuff happened, then I needed help when we roofed, then I needed help when Chris & I went to San Diego, then I needed help when we went on vacation, and now I have to ask again?! Ugh…I hate it! I am a person that likes to be able to handle it all, to be able to just do what needs to be done.I’m trying to do as much around the house as I can to get prepped for it, to make it as easy on everyone else as I can, but for craps sake we just got home from a week-long vacation, and I’m doing two photo shoots in the next two days and it’s Halloween so there are parties and treats and decoration and ahhhhhh!!!! And of course I’m finding stuff that “needs” to be done that really doesn’t need to be done. I’m freaking the freak out. My stress level right now is like at the max…I’m walking around taking deep breaths so much Chloe has started doing it too, lol.I’m scared of what I’ll look like after this. I’m not worried about the scars or anything, I’m worried about how I’ll see myself. I’ve had these giant boobs for all of my adult life. They haven’t always been this big, they got bigger with each pregnancy and just never went down in size. So I’m used to seeing myself with them, how am I going to look when part of them are gone? What will my body look like then?

But…I know my back won’t hurt so much, I know my shoulders won’t hurt so much, I know my neck won’t hurt so much, I know I won’t have headaches every freaking day of my life. And insurance approving it, if not quickly, easily, is validation that I need it. I know people don’t realize I’m as big as I am. I carry them well I guess, lol. When I’ve mentioned getting it done to people some have been surprised that I need it and have said they didn’t think I was that big. I’m currently a 34G so I am that big. The surgeon said I’ll be a full C when I’m all recovered (after the swelling goes down). I haven’t been a C since my sophomore year of high school! But I’ll be able to buy pretty bras now, not the industrial strength ones. And I’ll be able to buy them at any store, not have to go to a specialty store!

Poor Chris is having a little separation anxiety too, lol. No, really, I know this is going to be hard on him. He works long hours and when he comes home he helps out, but now when he comes home he’ll have to do everything. He’s not only going to have to take care of the kids and the pets and the house, he’s going to have to take care of me while I recover. And him being the wonderful person he is doesn’t even bat an eye at it. He just says “stop worrying, I’ll be fine”. God I love him.

I sunburned my lips on vacation so now I have a big blister and sore on my bottom lip, my hair is breaking off on the top of my head to the point that you can see skin, and I’m getting a reduction in a week.  Chris knows my stress is crazy right now and asked me how I was last night and this is what I said…”My lip is huge and hurts, my hair is breaking off and I’m going bald, and part of  my boobs are getting cut off.”  But my lip will heal soon, my hair…well I still don’t know wtf to do about that, and my boobs getting cut off is a good thing, or will be in about 8 weeks. Stay positive, right?